A blog about my crazy ass dreams and other random things.

This post was originally a part of the now defunct Somnaplegic blog.

As long as I can remember, I’ve had bizarre and frequently disturbing dreams. I also sometimes experience sleep paralysis.

My family is tired of hearing about my dreams. My cat doesn’t mind listening, but he’s not a great conversationalist. Mostly he head butts me in the chest and tries to wipe his eye goo on my computer or sits on top of my small devices so I can’t find them. Once I found the Xbox remote, a pen, and my phone underneath him. He’s not a particularly big cat, but he is fluffy. He falls off of things a lot. He’s not very good at being a cat. He vomits around other cats. My husband likes this about my cat. Well, he doesn’t like the vomit at all, but he likes the fact that I cannot fill the house with cats because Sam will vomit on everything.

My dog, well, my dog is dead, so he really doesn’t mind if I complain about my dreams. Don’t be sad. He was super old and had dementia and arthritis. We miss him. Mostly we miss him because our floors are dirty all the time. I never really appreciated how his willingness to eat anything, and I mean anything, kept the wood nice and shiny. Here is a picture of my dog.

He was a corgi, so, pretty cute. But he was like the Dwayne Johnson of corgis, big boned, and very friendly. Not too bright, the dog, not The Rock. The Rock is clearly a genius who will one day rule us all as our benevolent overlord. I for one do not fear the robot uprising, because Dwayne Johnson is here to protect us. My dog, Shorty (no, I did not name him), was so stupid he once got himself caught under a 5lb rock. I’m not making that up. I tied him to a nice long overhead lead so he could reach most spots in our camp site. I turned my back for a few minutes and returned to find that he had gotten his leash caught under the one small rock in the entire area and was just standing there with his head on the ground. He weighted 35 pounds. I’m pretty sure he would have won in a contest with the rock. I am certain that The Rock would have won in a contest with the rock. But perhaps not in a contest with Shorty. He was awfully cute and so very stupid. How can you fight cute and stupid? But anyway my floors are dirty because, as I mentioned, the dog is dead.

So I have really weird dreams. I never have the same dream twice, but there are definitely themes to my dreams. I think it’s safe to say, that a 7 year old could diagnose my issues pretty easily by listening to a few of my dreams. Here are some of the themes in my dreams that I can think of right now.

1) Small animals in peril. I’m perpetually having dreams where there lots of small animals running loose and I need to corral them, but there are always just a few too many to hold all at once and I never have a burlap sack or hollowed out pumpkin to carry them in.

2) Weird things with houses. Sometimes I find another room in my house or I’m back in my childhood home but things are all jumbled up. Sometimes I sell my house and buy a better new one in a town several hours away from my job. That’s annoying

3) Spiders.

4) My husband is really mean and or indifferent to me in my dreams. Then I wake up and I say, “Hey jerk, why did you steal all the forks and leave me without a car?” He calmly responds, “I was cleaning the forks and you ride a bicycle to work. But if you don’t want me to do those things you should put out more.” That’s fair.

5) Spiders. Stupid f@#&ing spiders.

6) Super scary psychic monsters that can find me no matter where I hide.

7) Peeing. I dream about running around shopping malls, and doctors offices, and parks desperately trying to find a toilet. This is because I actually need to pee, but don’t wake up. Sometimes I find toilets but they are overflowing or stalls are full or the toilets are inexplicably covered in carpet.

The other night I had a dream that I was in my childhood home and my mom was behaving like a lazy teenager with a bad attitude. I was trying to get her to clean the bathroom that had inexplicably appeared in the middle of our living room when a chitinous banana yellow spider the size of penny rushed out and began head butting me repeatedly. That spider was a real asshole.

*This post was originally a part of the now defunct Somnaplegic blog.